We want love but accept

obligation
manipulation
better-thans and also-rans
good man; good enough
will do for now forever
obsession, aggression, drama, comfort, lust, jealousy, abuse
photos that look happy enough
a name to put on Facebook
a reason to wear the dress
a steady fuck
an easy lay
big cock, big paycheck, hot car
safety, security, a cozy lie
A name to take
Proof—
+++++++proof that someone wants me.
Cheaters, liars, hypocrites, nags, bitches, uninspired ambitions and unsensual souls
short cuts, quick fixes, sure things and won’t-say-no’s
—a fellow conspirator
in loneliness—
a drinking partner, someone to share the high, the pizza
Text-message scattershot
Comments, likes and shares
attention, atencíon, atenzzione, vnimanie, zhu yi
Fixation, a warm body, a shared abandonment of bigger plans
Any noise to drown out the other
The why am I here, the what if I’m wrong, the I hate all these parts of myself so everyone else must hate them too
So love me—
+++++++Pretend to love me

So I don’t have to
So I don’t have to try
+++++++To change
+++++++To look
+++++++To listen
+++++++To dig
+++++++To heal
To learn
+++++++To love me first
+++++++Then, love you.

Roles like warm bathwater on my skin, so easy to sink in
Words in my mouth put there by every woman who came before me
So easy to have them tip of tongue
No hard questions, no hard answers
Collapse like a caught animal in a trap with no need for a sturdy spine anymore
Steps one, two and three
We could do this, but I beg you

Please… I beg you…

Don’t conspire with me
Don’t speak words that aren’t yours and sink into gentle rhythms of testosterone and what-came-before
Fight me, if I try to make you someone you are not
Don’t pretend and don’t settle for my surface
Demand more of me than patterns, roles, prescriptions
Ask me why, ask me why not
listen for the words that are mine
There’s no shortcut, I don’t want the shortcut
Every love should be a brand-new invention sprung forth
Formed, created, unleashed
“We make the road by walking.”

Walk with me.